I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
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This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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