seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
