i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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