he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
