The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
