$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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