I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
