I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
