Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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