There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
