I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
