I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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