There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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