My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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