I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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