Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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