This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
