You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
