I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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