pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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