Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
