Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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