Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
