on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The struggles of a small town man whore
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
