He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
