You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
