she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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