I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
