be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
