I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
