I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
