my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
