i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
