saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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