So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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