Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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