I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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