i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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