That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
