she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
