70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
