Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
organizing the empties. That sober.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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