so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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