Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
