I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
