It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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