I wish I could teleport
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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