I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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