Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
