She is in my trunk
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
