hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
