My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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