so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
