fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
