she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
