you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize