Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
