only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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