I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
there is glitter all over my balls
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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