sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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