at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
