I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
