I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
